2003-12-11 - Fall Orgo Night
Butler Library Reading Room, 11:59pm
[march in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the Olsen Twins going to NYU, it's the most celebrity lusting band in the world, the Columbia University Marching that's still close enough to jerk off to!
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. Queen Elizabeth - I saw her in London!
J. The Pope - I saw him in Rome!
and J. Rick Solomon - I saw him in Paris {if they don't get it--and they won't--say: Paris Hilton? No? Fine." And frankly, the band doesn't DESERVE to have people get a joke as trite as this one.}
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semicircular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring CAVA calls going up, the gates going down, and a football team pleased as punch at finally reaching mediocrity, the band now presents its 38th consecutive, 69th semiannual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[Who Owns]
Recently, it seems that Michael Jackson just couldn't wait. And by couldn't wait, we mean by a good six years. But in this celebrity-crazed culture of ours, what matters is not how freaky the stars get, or whom they hurt in the process, but how well their misadventures can be reinterpreted for made-for-TV movies. And in this case, in keeping with his Peter Pan obsession, the part of Michael Jackson will be played by a young white girl. The part of That Little Liar will be played by Mr. T, just because. Prospective titles for the film include "I Pity His Tool" and "Why don' you jibba jabbah on this?" Hey, maybe they'll even film it at Columbia! Goodness knows, the King of Pop could do a helluva lot to improve this place. Forget "enhance and enlarge," what Columbia needs is a facelift and a whitewash. And who better to head up the struggling Office of Sexual Misconduct than Michael, since by God HE knows it's possible to rape boys. But let's not call this smooth man a criminal just yet. Why can't a twelve year old WANT to sleep with a guy with bug-eyes, a collapsed nose, and creepy lips? What, is love ILLEGAL? In honor of sweet young ass at $20 million bucks a pop, the Band now plays "Sweet Child of Mine."
[play Sweet Child]
This Thanksgiving, US President George W. Bush made a daring secret visit to Iraq, where he engaged in the most strenuous military activity of his career: carving a turkey. This visit was historic not only in that it rivaled Nixon's 1969 trip to Vietnam, but also because it represented the first time Bush was allowed to use the really big knife. Indeed, historians have already called this visit the most dangerous for an American president since a drunken Winston Churchill dared Franklin Roosevelt to "Get up on his sissy girlie legs and fight like a man." But really, can anyone deny that Iraq has been a total disaster? So far more than 400 American soldiers have died. Maybe Nicolas de Genova was right! Well, at the current international body bag conversion rate of 18 dead soldiers per Mogadishu, that's already twenty two Mogadishus we've had in Iraq alone. Keep on reaching for the dream, Nicky D! In honor, then, of almighty Allah striking down the infidels, the Band now plays "Not Living... On a Prayer!"
[play Prayer]
In other news this semester, a ban on partial-birth abortion was signed into national law. Although Planned Parenthood is widely considered the greatest critic of this measure, surprisingly enough, it is actually the NRA that is most upset. In a recent press conference, the gun lobby explained its position: "This outrageous and wrongful bill has been coldly and calculatedly designed to undermine gun use in America. Once all the abortion doctors are gone, who are we gonna shoot?" The Marching Band suggests Episcopalian Bishops. But the National Rifle Association is not the only victim of this ban. Bob Zacherman of Bob's Fetal Head Crushing Suppliers Incorporated {inevitable boo} ...Good old Bob says his business will fold within the year. Goddam these fetuses make me mad--Taking our guns? Putting mom and pop skull crushers out of business? Non-aborted fetuses are enemies of freedom. Thank goodness, then, that President Bush is already taking action against this new terrorist threat, promising to "Smoke them fetuses out of their caves, dead or alive." In honor of two jokes in a row mocking the death of innocents, the Band now plays "I Will Survive."
[play I Will Survive]
As many of you know, this year is the 250th anniversary of Columbia University in the City of New York! Well actually, NEXT year is the 250th anniversary, but just ask Barnard--Columbia ALWAYS blows its wad too early. Let's face it, Teacher's College could throw a better party than Columbia. Simply put, CU 250 was... inadequate. At the climax of the ceremony, President Bollinger himself, never one to pass up the chance to stroke his own ego, erected himself a ladder, and had the entire dance team hold it steady for him while he worked his spatula through the moist creamy coating of a previously untouched cake. Unfortunately, even a man of Bollinger's stature could only stand by impotently as the cold and wet caused the size of the crowd to shrink. Everyone was therefore left dangling as President Bollinger pulled out early, and once again, Columbia students were left dripping wet and unsatisfied. In honor of a flaccid celebration, the Band now plays "Build Me Up, Bollinger, Just to Give Me Blue Balls."
[play Buttercup]
And now the obligatory Barnard joke. Columbia would like to congratulate Barnard on its incredible increase in early applications, despite the fact that we ourselves fell. Yeah, just this once we'll let Barnard go UP on us. We would also like to congratulate Barnard on the prospects of its new student center. We hear it's going to have a hearth. And all you women will tend it. {if they boo, say "Oh, BLOW ME."} And unlike Lerner, Barnard's new student center will have plenty of room for extracurricular activities... such as butterchurning, and getting me a sandwich. Also on site will be a relocated Columbia Hot Bagels, since Barnard makes an excellent home for Ho(e) Bags. And may we recommend that you install your own goddam Tasti D Light? Honey, if you're so desperate to suck up something white and creamy with less than ten calories a serving, I'll give it to you without dining dollars. In honor of fat-free fellatio in fifty-five flavors, the Band now thanks Barnard for Stroke-ing our cone Last Night.
[play Last Night]
It has come to the Band's attention that Barnard objects to our perpetuation of the gross and unfair stereotype found in the last joke. But like a battered wife, you just keep coming back for more! What do we have to do to get rid of you? Lord knows Columbia's sick of pretending to be interested in Barnard's Cosmo Magazines and Avril Lavigne CDs. I mean, Christ, that's all she freaking talks about. Have you ever tried to have a conversation with Barnard? I mean a real conversation, about a book or a film or something? You fucking CAN'T. It's all "in high school this, drama club that, student council blah blah blah." Fucking Christ, JUST SHUT UP! Columbia doesn't give a shit about your stupid high school achievements. This is college now, sweetie, time to grow up. GODDAM Columbia wishes it could say that to her face. But every time Columbia tries, it gets too distracted by the way Barnard pouts and bites her lower lip when she gets upset. {point to some guy: "Yeah, HE knows what I'm talking about}. But who are we kidding? Barnard's the best thing to happen to Columbia since Alexander Hamilton got shot. In honor of Barnard girls coming out of the rain into Columbia's warm dry car, the Band now tries to get back on Barnard's good side--ah hell, she's good coming from EITHER side--by serenading her with her favorite tune. {the scriptreader actually fucked up that line completely, stumbling fatally on the words "ah hell." Rather than try again, however, he instead shouted, "See, THAT'S what happens when you make fun of women!"}
[play Sk8er Boi]
Well, that's all for us tonight. But before we go, we'd like to leave you with a few study hints for that big Orgo exam tomorrow:
When you expose aluminum to absolute zero, it becomes a superconductor, but as you've seen tonight, when you expose our drum major to Absolute Vodka, she becomes a super conductor.
Here's one you upperclassmen may remember:
A mole of ester is sensitive to the touch, whereas... Michael Jackson touches sensitive areas.
A heterogeneous reaction involves multiple organic compounds under constant pressure. An erogenous reaction involves multiple orgasms under the constant pressure of when I come pounding into you.
According to the Columbia chemistry department, a dextrorotatory is the phenomenon whereby polarized light is turned in a clockwise direction. According to the Barnard chemistry department--
{And at this point, a lone representative of decency in the crowd of thousands stepped forward to protest the band's assault upon human dignity. Bearing posters declaring "no to racists / no to sexists / no to homophobes / no to Orgo Night," this righteous individual got up on the same desk as our scriptreader and took a courageous stand for the sake of all that is good and holy in this world. Goodness knows what kind of reaction he was hoping to get from this gathering of CUMB's most ardent supporters, but there he was. And one has to admire his timing as well--stepping up as he did ONE PUNCHLINE away from successful Orgo. In any case, he did his best to persuade the very unsympathetic crowd. He also provided a perfect opportunity for CUMB to demonstrate how clever it is even in emergency situations, as our undeterred scriptreader improvised the line: "No, no, don't worry, folks, this is all part of the show. We decided it was only fair to let our critics get a word in. That way we could have a SECOND asshole up here in addition to me." They do love it so when we admit we're assholes. After stalling things for several minutes, our assailant eventually allowed himself to be persuaded to "let us get through our one last joke, and then you can hop back up here and talk to them as much as you want." And so things resumed:}
So, as I was saying: According to the Barnard chemistry department a dextrorotatory is the latest line by Toys in Babeland.
Goodnight kids. Try not to break any bookshelves on the way out. And please stick around to listen to this man; I think he has something to say.
[we're fucking out of here--march out to Raw]